As November draws to an end, that means Thanksgiving is right around the corner, spelling certain doom for turkeys across the United States.
That being said, here at IUP, a different trend seems to have taken hold as a radical group of students, who have dubbed themselves the “Anti-Turkey Thanksgiving Ingestion Collective” (ATTIC), have decided that this year, turkey is off the menu.
“We think that turkeys have been purged for long enough with American Thanksgivings,” the leader of ATTIC, Jennifer Rosemary (sophomore, political science), said. “We are seeking to change that and have decided to adopt a new bird to eat during the holiday meal, that being the hawk.”
Rosemary expects that this move may be surprising, but she wanted to say her original idea was to swap the turkey for the bald eagle, but she recognized this would not fly, no pun intended, with a majority of Americans.
“When we were thinking about a different bird, our minds immediately went to the bald eagle,” Rosemary said. “We were inspired by the story of Ben Franklin preferring the turkey as a symbol of America over the eagle, but then we realized that the bald eagle has become a symbol for so long that changing it is impossible.”
Rosemary went on to say that the decision to have hawk instead of turkey came when they realized how much they disliked the shift that IUP has slowly been making to be more oriented on Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics (STEM) majors.
“We realized it would be perfect to pick the hawk, it would really stick it to IUP and tell them that we mean business.” Rosemary said.
In the time since ATTIC has become public, many disgruntled students have joined the cause, which has seen the direction of the group shift from simply any hawk to Norm the Crimson Hawk, the rarest of all hawks.
Hunting parties have started making their way throughout campus, patrolling through areas that Norm is said to frequent, but with no avail.
“We received reports that there was a group trying to hunt Norm for Thanksgiving,” Daryll Holiday, Norm’s chief ROTC security guard, said in an official press conference. “We will be taking any and all steps to ensure Norm’s safety, which includes keeping him at a secure location until further notice.”
ATTIC was at this press conference, and they tried to storm the stage that Holiday and other ROTC members were on, but they were stopped seeing as they were armed with sticks, which they picked up on the walk there. They did not stand a chance against the weaponry of the ROTC members.
Despite some members of ATTIC being detained by the ROTC, Rosemary remains hopeful that her organization can remain alive.
“We will keep fighting for what we believe in, and that is the freedom of turkeys across the country,” Rosemary declared. “I have an idea of where Norm is, and I can say with certainty that he will not be safe at this so-called ‘secure location’ for much longer.”
Despite having gone into hiding, Norm sent a letter to The Penn detailing his thoughts on the matter, and how he feels about being the enemy of ATTIC’s liberation campaign.
“I feel for the members of ATTIC, I really do,” Norm wrote in his letter. “Being a bird, I have always disliked Thanksgiving. I really hate what people do to my fellow birds.”
“That being said, I don’t think the solution to the problem is targeting me. I mean, let’s be honest, I could only be good for one Thanksgiving, and since I am the only Crimson Hawk, that means my species would go extinct.”
Attached with the letter was a picture of Norm holding a “thank you” sign, as a way to show his appreciation to students that have stuck with him through the attempts by ATTIC to hunt him down.
As a result of the actions of ATTIC, security on campus has increased dramatically, even as students are leaving for home. Barricades are being installed on every major road, and every car that passes through has to be inspected by ROTC and IUP police to ensure they are not harboring any ATTIC members. This goes hand in hand with the arrest warrant that was issued this morning for the higher ups in ATTIC, including Rosemary.
“Our IUP students and families could not imagine IUP without Norm,” IUP president Michael Driscoll said in a speech. “I call on every IUP student to stand together against ATTIC and defend our beloved Norm.”
Immediately after the speech, a ball of mashed potatoes was hurled at President Driscoll by a member of ATTIC that was hiding in the crowd, they were captured soon after by IUP police. The name of the individual has not been released yet.
Despite the chaos that is unfolding at IUP, The Penn would like to say we hope students have a safe and happy Thanksgiving to all students, whether you celebrate the holiday or not. We will see you in a week with more exciting tales from the IUP community.