In honor of Homecoming, we at The Penn would like to present some things that everyone on campus and in town would rather you not do, beginning with the eternal "do not punch the horse."
In fact, try to avoid punching, kicking, bludgeoning with heavy objects or slapping anyone or anything.
Keep your feet on the ground. If you find yourself trying to climb into or out of a window, particularly one not on the ground floor of a building, stop and reconsider. Trees are a similarly bad idea.
Remember that unless you are grievously injured, your neighbors probably don't want to be able to hear you.
Do not touch, take or throw up on things that do not belong to you.
If you must drink to excess, it would be advisable that you keep the number of drinks closer to your shoe size than your age.
Keep in mind that no matter how many episodes you've seen and no matter how many summers you spent launching model rockets from your back yard, you are not a Mythbuster. Apply this to thoughts on experimenting with microwaves and household chemicals, recording yourself punching your best friend in the face (see above) to look at the slow-motion replay on your camera that doesn't have that function anyway, lighting anything on fire and doing anything that involves projectiles.
Keep track of your underwear. It'll be for the best.
Don't go anywhere you don't want to. Try to stay in a group. Watch where you're walking for piles of vomit. Remember that it's okay to stay home and play board games.
Do not forget: you are not as good of a singer as you think when you're drunk. You're actually not very good at much of anything with you're drunk, unless you count falling over, throwing up and making poor decisions.
It would be unspeakably fantastic to have a large, celebratory event with no couches on fire, flipped cars and general mayhem. So dear IUP, for this Homecoming, stay safe, stay classy, and remember:
Everyone will read the police blotter Tuesday morning.
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