There ... I Said It: What would be your dream sports article?

Jared: Stout hired as supreme college basketball czar

No Stout about it - there will be big changes in college basketball soon.

That's because the NCAA has named Jared P. Stout the first supreme czar of Division I men's college basketball.

"We really liked the ideas that Mr. Stout had to improve the game," NCAA president Shawn Uzlik said at a news conference. "They're very creative, so the fans should be very excited."

Stout - a sportswriter, professional poker player, male model and hopeful 2020 presidential candidate - will have complete control over what happens in men's Division I college basketball.

"All those athletic directors and college presidents can suck it now," Stout said at the news conference. "I'm tired of them screwing around and not getting anything done."

Stout then went on a profanity-laced tirade in which he accused athletic directors and college presidents of "hating freedom."

Uzlik announced the creation of the supreme czar position two months ago. It is a lifetime job, so Stout can keep it until he either quits or dies.

"Well, I sure as hell am not going to quit, and I don't plan on ever dying, so you're all stuck with me," Stout said.

"I think it's a great hire," said Mark Few, head coach of the defending champion Gonzaga Bulldogs. "He's going to do a lot for programs like ours."

During the news conference, Stout outlined some of the changes he plans on making during the next few years.

"First off, we need to change this s--t about coaches being able to pack up and leave whenever the f--k they want while the student-athletes have to sit out a year if they want to transfer," Stout said. "From now on, a player can make one transfer without having to sit out a year."

Stout also announced a plan that is certain to be controversial and maybe even illegal.

"Some people may hate on this next thing, but I don't care," he said. "My plan is to pass a rule that requires a player to stay at his school for at least two years - no more of this 'one and done' bulls--t. If the players don't like it, they can sit out for a year after they graduate high school and then go to the NBA."

The biggest part of Stout's agenda, however, will be to help out the mid-major schools.

"It's an absolute disgrace that some of these big schools never leave their own state until conference play begins. Well that's going to change," Stout said. "From now on, there's going to be a weekend every season in which I'm going to force the power conference schools to play on the road against the mid-major schools. Are you ready for Texas at Wichita State? You'd better be."

Stout also said he will move his alma mater, Indiana University of Pennsylvania, into the Big Ten. The Robber Barons, who changed their name from the Crimson Hawks after moving to Division I a few years ago, will replace Ohio State in the conference. The Buckeyes will now compete in the Northeast Conference, and Stout has stripped them of all their scholarships.

"Hahahahahaha," Stout said.

Stout also said he would take money from his annual $20 million a year salary and donate it to coaches who ran the Princeton Offense.

"We need more slow-tempo offenses!" he shouted vigorously.

Stout, though, also acknowledged the need for other types of offenses.

"I love the run and gun offenses, too, where each team picks up a zillion possessions," Stout said. "I just want to see less of this in-between stuff. Pick a crazy style and go with it."

"Pick a style and go with it" seems to be how Stout will characterize his basketball czar term as he appears to be taking an uncompromising attitude.

"I'm in charge now," he said. "Deal with it."

Stephen: Catanese hates Peyton Manning, cancer

Catanese: "I'll eat (Peyton Manning's) children!"

by Bob Costas

Rarely does an interviewer get an opportunity as illustrious as this one, but I was fortunate enough to interview Stephen Catanese last night and, believe me, this is one of the most talented, educated, brightest young men I've met in my entire life. Here are some excerpts from our hour-long sit down.

Bob Costas: So, Mr. Catanese, how are you today?

Stephen Catanese: Bob, I gotta tell you, I'm great. I am just fantastic.

BC: Well, that is to be expected, considering you just won an award from the United States government declaring you the "Greatest American in the History of America."

SC: Yeah, it'll sit well next to all of the other accolades I have sitting upon my mantle.

BC: Can you go over some of those accomplishments?

SC: Well, I have my 30 World Series of Poker bracelets - that's pretty cool ... I have the Stanley Cup, since the NHL decided to give me the Cup and reward every future NHL champion by allowing each player to skate around the ice with me and spend a day with me. Not only that, but I take great pride in abolishing the hyphen and changing the contraction for "will not" from "won't" to the much more logical "willn't." I also did 50 sit-ups one time.

BC: That is interesting. So, what can we expect from you in the future?

SC: Well, I would like to end world hunger and capture Osama bin-Laden, but before that, I think I'm going to circumnavigate the globe.

BC: By sea?

SC: By air.

BC: What kind of airplane?

SC: None. I'll flap my arms real fast.

BC: Interesting. So, be honest with me: Who in the sporting world just irks you?

SC: Peyton Manning. He'd better not mess with me, or I'll eat his children. Tyson doesn't have (expletive) on me.

BC: If you were to eat his children, what condiments would you apply?

SC: Some paprika and garlic powder.

BC: Haha, oh what a witty young man you are.

SC: Thank you, Bob. You're pretty cool too, but not as cool as the "Greatest American in the History of America."

BC: True dat. So, being that it's now 2010, will you be traveling to South Africa to see the World Cup in person?

SC: No, I made them move the World Cup to America. I'll be the starting striker for the USA National Team. Basically, we're going to play an 8-1-1 formation where everyone defends and I attack. I expect to score at least 15 goals.

BC: That's below your regular pace, though...

SC: Yeah but, this is the World Cup ... I can't keep averaging three goals a game, you know?

BC: I hear you. Anything else you'd like to say in closing?

SC: Yes. You know, after I discovered the cure for cancer, I said to myself, "Stephen, what can't you do? You seem unstoppable." But, I am not - there are a few things I can't do. Menstruate is one of them, and knitting, whistling and snapping my fingers are the others. Kids ask me, "Stephen, how do you handle the disappointment associated with not being able to do four things?"

I say, "I just take solace in knowing that every morning, the sun will rise again ... and, who knows? Maybe this is the day I'll be able to menstruate."

Whenever you wake up in the morning, and you have no more goals, that's when life loses its thrill. I still have four more goals, and I won't rest until they've been accomplished.

BC: Thank you for the time and your poetic prose.

SC: Word.